One last goodbye...one last gift...

Janice Ann Angsten is a name that should be posted on a billboard as the greatest grandmother ever!  I write this post with tears rolling down my eyes as I just said my last goodbye.  I'd like to tell a story, a story of our last goodbye and one last gift she gave us all...

Friday morning my dad got the phone call that his mom (my grandma) had been admitted to the ICU with heart failure and pneumonia.  I'm not exactly certain of the specific details, but within minutes of being there, she was put on life support.  We (myself, my sister, dad and step-mom) packed our bags and made the 13 hour drive desperately praying to get there before they took her off.  We arrived in time...within a few hours of being there, all of the siblings decided to take her off the vent and let her go.  We all, including the doctors thought she would go quite quickly.  Guess what...she surprised us all and made a miraculous turnaround.  She was again breathing on her own and within another few hours moved to a regular room.  Although it seemed she was doing better, she was fighting a double edged sword.  Her heart was continuously failing causing her to fill up with fluid and the meds to fight that were shutting down the kidneys.  After much discussion with her, the decision was made that she was tired.  She wanted to go.  She has fought for years to continue to live and she just couldn't fight anymore.   We assured her that we were happy with her decision to go and she found peace in knowing this.  That was Saturday when we had this talk.  

Sunday when we showed up to the hospital, Grandma was smiling, happy and had a few requests.  She wanted her hair brushed and her teeth in.  She wanted to feel pretty with all her visitors.  We spent the day literally cracking up and telling stories sitting around her bed.  Although she didn't say much, she would smile and even give her two cents worth occasionally.  She specifically asked for me to turn the tv on channel 46...the game show network.  Something she watched everyday.  When she would come stay in Georgia, we often would hide the remote in order to save ourselves from having to watch it so much :)  I laugh as I think about those days!  She ate a ton of food that day and for the first time in a long time, enjoyed it.  We fed her potato soup from Panera Bread!  Yum!  One of my youngest cousins was also there with her 2 month old baby (grandma's youngest great-grandchild) and the irony was bitter sweet.  Here was the oldest in our family sharing a very special moment with the youngest of our family.  We managed to capture it on video.  She didn't want to let go of baby Adabelle.  Later that night I was also able to capture another very special moment on video.  As my dad sat by her bedside, she wanted him to tell her a story.  Something he's always been good at.  Those Angsten's can really tell some stories.  I immediately grabbed my video camera and pressed play.  Neither of them knowing it was on.  The room was dark with just a hint of light shining on each them.  He sat for nearly 10 min and told her a story.  But Grandma being an Angsten, had her story to tell too.  She told about when she met my grandpa and places they lived.   Although it was very difficult to understand her and not a lot of detail, dad understood fine.  He continued to sit with her, with her opening her eyes to make sure he was still there every few minutes.  He sat with her until she fell asleep.  I think each of us felt a sense of hope that maybe she was coming around.  Maybe she would give us a few more years.  This is of course what all of us were praying....

Sunday October 28th 2012 turned out to be however her day to live.  She gave us this gift...one last gift!

Later that night, for the first time ever, I held her hand and we prayed together.  She's never been a "religious" person but rather a woman of great spirit.  She always had a smile and loving heart and would give the shirt off her back to anyone.  Now looking back, it was a last gift she gave us all!  A moment to say one last goodbye...

That night was my night to stay with her at the hospital.  I felt special and scared all at once.  That night was, next to taking care of my son with his brain injury, one of the toughest things I've ever gone through.  As the night progressed she very quickly went down hill.  She struggled to breath and would ask every 10 minutes for water.  At one point I asked her what I could do to make her feel better.  She cried for the first time and said she doesn't know.  She was scared and hurting.  The nurse came in with meds to help calm her and sedate her.  I held her hand and prayed again.  This time I prayed a very different prayer.  I prayed that God would take her.  I prayed a selfless prayer and I thanked her from every member of our family for loving us so much!  I assured her that although she would be missed, our love for her would never grow weak.  The roots she instilled in her children, grandchildren and great grandchildren are so deep that none of us would ever forget her.  I rubbed her legs for nearly 45 minutes until she fell asleep.  This really seemed to calm her.  By the next morning she was pretty much out of it.  She seemed to be sleeping peacefully.  Around 10 that morning I reached over and kissed her forehead and told her I loved her.  She opened her eyes and said it back.  It was my time to head back to Georgia.  Slowly as the day went by her children and grandchildren showed up to say their last goodbyes.  It was later that night as my Aunt sat holding her hand singing to her that Grandma took her last breath.  She went very peacefully and went knowing the great love that she had taught all of us was being given back to her.

I will always be inspired by the love that my grandmother gave to me.  She didn't have any monetary gifts to give but she gave me the biggest gift a person could ever give...love!  I love you Grandma!

Janice Ann Angsten 1927-2012